I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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