All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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