You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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