I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
