Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
