let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
