Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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