So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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