Acid is not a monday night drug
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
