All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
