Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
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Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
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Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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