so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
