I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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