oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
