She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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