I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
