update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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