btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
