Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
