so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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