He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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