Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So apparently I’m into choking now
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
