it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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