I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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