I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
