i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
