I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
