Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
