So drunk its hurt
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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