Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
