i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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