Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
