So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
