I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
