i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
