I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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