He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
