omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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