It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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