You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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