thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
