he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
