living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
