I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
