You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
