Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
