Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
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The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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