I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
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Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
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I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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