i think my tv is drunk
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
