This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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