you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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