No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
what is it with giant penises always finding me
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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