Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
