I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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