I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
