I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
