he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
