scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
