I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
