i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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