You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
