Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
