gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
