I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic