if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
