it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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