dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
