The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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