Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
