i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
