I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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