I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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